Brothels for the Disabled? No Thanks!

Yesterday I did a radio phone in on BBC 3 Counties Breakfast Show on the subject of a proposed brothel that will specialise in providing a service for disabled customers. Yes, a brothel for cripples. Many of you will know that I do a lot of campaigning and work around the topic of sexuality and disability and so might imagine that I would be in favour of such an idea. However this could not be further from the truth. While I got a brief chance to air my views on the radio, I think it is really important to explain fully why I feel it could be so damaging for all of us, not just disabled people. It breaks down to three key reasons.

The first is the idea that disabled people have a greater need for the services of prostitutes. This is an attitude that runs throughout our society, yet the proof just isn't there. While I know and have met some disabled people, well disabled men, who have paid for sex, most have not. They have gone out in to the world and formed sexual relationships in the "normal" way. Ones that spanned from casual flings to long term love and flowers jobs. Not just those disabled people who could be said to have the sexier disabilities, like Paraplegics or Amputees, but people with all manner of impairments. People who have little or no ability to speak and who need 24 hour personal assistance who have had or who are in loving relationships. Yet time and time again, when the media focuses on the subject of sex and disability the story we mainly see revolves around a disabled person seeking paid sex. More than that, the prostitution industry uses this attitude to attempt to legitimise what they do and to further their campaign to legalise it.

The effect of this false belief that disabled people need the services of prostitutes more than anyone else is the second reason why I am opposed as it causes issues for the way society thinks about disability. It not only effects disabled people but everyone. For disabled people, it means they grow up in an atmosphere that makes them believe that they just aren't sexy or potential sexual partners and for the non-disabled community it plays a part in continuing the prejudice around disability. More than that, as all non-disabled people are just disabled people before an illness or injury, it means that if they acquire a disability part of the grieving process they will have to go through revolves around the loss of their sexual confidence. I know as even though I have been disabled since birth, I went through it when my impairment changed and started using a wheelchair at the age of 15. Even before then, when I one of the walking wounded, I was unsure that anyone would want to go out with me. But when my spine collapsed and I lost the ability to gain an erection, I was positive that my chances to form sexual relationships were over. Yet I soon found I could not have been more wrong. With much of the work I do with newly disabled people this fear around them no longer being able to have sex or form relationships is a massive part of the journey they go on as they learn to put their lives back together. Much of this feeling of asexuality stems from the focus on disabled people having this deep need to pay for sex, which most people really don't want do to. So of course you will get down about being newly disabled is you truly believe that the only way you will be able to have sex from now on is if you pay for it. Why would your partner want to stay with someone who is now that lacking in the sexy stakes? I also think that this attitude leads to the need that there is for paid sex. If you grow up or become disabled so assured that the only way you'll ever experience sex is to pay for it, then that is what you will do. Thus the need for this proposed service is fuelled by the attitude, so it becomes self fulfilling.

Lastly, the idea that there should be a special place for disabled people who do want to use the services of prostitute is also wrong. The law states that any new business should ensure that the goods or services that they provide should be accessible to disabled people, so any brothel that opens should be open to disabled people. Not just one specializing in cripple sex. You shouldn't have to travel to Milton Keynes, or where ever it might be sited, if you want a paid sex experience, but you should be able to pop down to your local knocking shop. Remember that currently brothels are illegal, so if the law is changed and they can be opened then all brothels will be new businesses. So to comply with the law every single one of them should be fully accessible. If they aren't you can sue them! Thus getting you get your paid sex for free... tee hee.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not arguing that disabled people should not visit prostitutes. I want disabled people to have the right to choose how they live their lives, so if you want to pay for it then fine. But I refuse to stay silent as yet again this option is held up and the only choice for disabled people. No disabled person is so unattractive that this is their only solution to their needs, and if that is how some people feel then we should all be fighting to do something about that. We should not be fighting to make a world where it's easier for disabled people to pay for sex as they feel they can get it no other way, we should be fighting for a world where disabled people are seen and see themselves as viable sexual partners. During my career I have made several programmes and written loads of articles on the subject of disability and sex, and have met with quiet a few disabled people who paid for sex. Almost all them have said that the experience eventually left them feeling empty and depressed as there it was only sex. At the end of the day what we all really want is an emotional bond, friendship and companionship. Sure orgasms are nice, but sex is always best in a loving relationship and why shouldn't we all have the chance at that?

I know I could be described as lucky when it comes to this subject. I am happily married, and have had a succession of beautiful girls in my life before I met "the one". I am definitely always being told how lucky I am as I come across as confident, and recently my good friend Julie Fernandez told me I was overtly sexual, which was a bit of a shock to me. You see I might appear to be all these things, but I have all the same hang ups and insecurities as everyone else. Don't forget I can't get a hard on so conventional sex is out for me. So I do understand why some disabled men might feel the need to pay for it. It's just that this subject is bigger than personal need. It says something about disability that I refuse to accept and do not want the society I live to take as truth. Whatever our impairment, disabled people can be and are sexy, sexual and superb potential partners. And focusing on the minority who bang on about paid sex being their only option hurts us all, and does nothing to further disabled people's lives.

A final issue I might raise is that if this special needs brothel (catchy name huh?) does open will all the people who work there be fully trained to work with disabled people, will it be able to find full liability insurance in case of something going wrong and will it have the ability to cater for all disabled people, spanning the full gamut of their physical and mental needs?

At the end of the day, if you want to visit a brothel you should be able to. I just feel that the idea of a special one for disabled people won't work, will do more harm than good to those how use it and does nothing to make the world a better place. It might sound a bit optimistic and utopian but I thought that is what campaigning is all about. I don't want to work in the real world, I want to work towards making that world better. Allowing this brothel to open just won't do that in any way.

Seasonal Wishes!

A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone out there in Internetland. Have a great time, get loads of great prezzies and party hearty on NYE.

Big things are in the pipeline for 2013, so fingers crossed it will be a great year.

All our love and wishes,

Mik and Diane

La Patagonia - A Taste of the Argentine

As my wife Diane and I left our Camden flat on a wet Wednesday night for our visit La Patagonia I did feel a little trepidations. Argentinian cuisine is best known for being carnivorous in nature, and as we are both vegetarians I wasn't sure if our meal would be to our taste. I was also worried as nothing spoils a veggie's meal than eating through the fog of the smell of cooking meat. I didn't know yet but all of my worries would soon be proved very unfounded.

We had booked our table for seven pm, but even this early on the aforementioned wet Wednesday the place was packed. The staff met us with a friendly smile and were totally fine with my placing my wheelchair next to my seat at our table. Even in the 21st century I still find that some restaurants are unhappy when I turn up on wheels, so this set the tone for the rest of the evening in a good way. We placed our order, after being impressed at the choice for us non-meat eaters. As we waited for our order to arrive, we were brought a plate of bread and some pickled Aubergine that was lovely. We were joined by one of the owners Noah, and we chatted about how well things were going with his plans to bring a rustic Argentinian menu to the streets of Camden. The restaurant is a warm and friendly place furnished in a designer rustic style. It's filled with all manner of memorabilia from the country, collected by the owners over the years, and the whole experience is most enjoyable. But let's get down to the food shall we?

As soon as a flash our meal arrived, and Noah left us to watch the football on TV (another Argentinian passion). We had both ordered the same thing, Calabaza con Humita which is a Butternut Squash filled with a corn and béchamel sauce filling served with a nice side salad. Even though I have been a veggie for over 20 years, I have never tried butternut squash and neither had my wife. On our first mouthful we stopped and stared at each other.... yummy! It was gorgeous. The squash itself was done to perfection, soft, sweet and tender and in combination with the corn filling it was a treat. I may have wolfed mine down a little too quickly, but that is usual when I am enjoying my food.

Next up was desert. Normally I would have stopped at my main meal, but I had heard that the desert menu at La Patagonia had to be tried to be believed. Boy had I heard right! Yet again my wife and I had matching orders, the La Patagonia Tiramisu. I freely admit to having a rather developed sweet tooth, and as the huge half pint (0.35L actually - I'm showing my age using Imperial) Kilner style glass jars filled with chocolately yumminess were presented my heart skipped a beat. 

Even though there was easily enough in each serving for us to have shared, I was so glad we had ordered one each... I would hated sharing this desert lovers paradise. The latte we ordered to accompany this gooey, chocolately, caramelly heaven was equally as tasty and as I put down my spoon and slurped my last mouthful of coffee I felt wonderful. Full, happy and a little drunk on sugar. The bill arrived and we were both very impressed that such a great meal could be so reasonably priced.

Both of my wife and I laughed as we wondered home through the streets of Camden at what a great night we'd had. It had also occurred to me that if you do eat meat I would imagine that your meal would be as amazing as ours, if not more so. I can't recommend La Patagonia highly enough, and I do know that it has been added to our list of favourite restaurants. I know we're going to become regulars and I think you should too. Whether it's for a romantic night out, a night out with friends or for a party La Patagonia won't let you down. Una gran noche fuera!

La Patagonia

Too busy to blog!!!! or why I hate Children In Need so much I found time to blog!

It seems that at the minute I am too busy to blog. In fact I'm too busy to think some days. It's one of the joys of being a freelancer, that when a work offer comes in you have to say Yes. With no way of knowing when the next job might appear, you have this terror that this offer might be the last for a while. Even if the work is rolling in, you can't be sure that it will stay that way. So that's why my blog has been sitting dormant recently.

Annoyingly there have been a load of things I wanted to blog about. Almost every day something came up that got the blood boiling and the fingers hovering over the keyboard. But work got in the way, so the time past. The thing that I really wanted to blog about this week was Children in Need. As someone who appeared on something very similar at the start of my career, with a two day non-stop live appearance as presenter on the Thames Telethon back in 1992, and who had that career severely damaged by the bad reaction of people who felt that charity was wrong, you would have thought I would be in favour of this yearly charity fest. But you would be wrong. You see, on many levels the whole thing is equally wrong.

Let's think about the portrayal of disability first. Anyone who reads my blogs and articles will know that portrayal is very important to me. I feel that the media should try so much harder to ensure that it changes the way it covers disability, yet with this kind of charity event negative portrayal is essential to keep the money coming in.

Poor little crippled kids... they need your help. Their lives are so awful that without your money they will only be sad and their future is bleak. Give generously. Your money will make their tragic lives a little better. Poor little things, it so sad that they are the way they are. Aren't you lucky?

Of course charity always has to pull on your heart strings, but the reason why I did the Telethon way back when is that I thought it would subconsciously say that disabled people can give charity as well as receive it. But after I did it, I was accosted in a lft by the wonderful Vicky Waddington who explained why the charity model of disability - which paints us as victims in need of help - has no positive effects for us disabled types. After talking to her I understood that charity is just plain wrong, especially this kind of jumbo media event. Sure it could be vehicle for real change, with money being raised to pay for the changes we really need in society. Better access, better understanding and more equality. But those are not the kind of things that pull of those heart strings and purse strings. The point of a telethon event is raising money, so that is the sole point of the program. The aim is to raise more money than the last event. That's how you measure the success of it.

Now I could write on this subject for pages, but as I said I'm too damn busy. So I hope that all of you that did watch Children in Need/Stand Up To Cancer/Red Nose Day felt a little uncomfortable during the hours of "fun". Just imagine if it was people like you who were targeted as being deserving of charity and pity. Not a great feeling.

Let's take the item on the One Show that Ade Adepitan presented on dancing for disabled kids. It claimed that giving money to a special dance class for disabled children is a good thing. But if you think about it, wouldn't it be better if the kids that went to this special class could just go to a mainstream dance class with other non-disabled kids and learn to dance? A totally mixed class where everyone was equal. I have just interviewed the fantastic disabled dancer Laura Jones for a Disability Now article, who was the first disabled person to study dance at college. She helped choreograph the Paralympic Opening and Closing Ceremonies, and is a superb dancer. Surely that is the way to go? Not only is it inclusive but it will mean that more disabled people will become professional dancers. But even if they don't, and they just do dance for the love of dance, they will have an experience of being equal to the other members of the class. Not special, different... and in some way less.

To me it's the same for all of the various good causes. To raise money they need to focus on the difference, yet the only way to make the world better is to make everyone see that we are all the same. Whether we're disabled, poor, old, young, or whatever, we are all human. So we all deserve the same chances and until charity aims to do that, it will divide us all. I mean even the title of Children In Need spells out difference.

Anyway, that's enough for now. All I ask is that you think about it.

Like Piglets in Piglet Clover

It's my wedding anniversary on November 5th. Seven of the best years of my life. I had fancied Diane from the first time I met her, six years before we finally got together, but the time wasn't right. We became friends and I got to know her, and knew I was falling in love with her as the time passed. So when the big day came, I was so sure... super sure.

Not only is she an amazing, beautiful and talented person (and damn sexy) but she is my perfect fit. We are very, very similar with all the same tastes, likes and loves. The same music, art, films, books, pass times and taste in fashion, as well as similar dreams for our lives. We share the same sense of humour and she makes me laugh every day. To say I am one lucky man is the biggest understatement every made.

On top of all the wonderful things about her, with a list too long to put here, she nursed me through one of the worst times of my life. When I broke my back for the second time after a car crash it took three years for my doctors to notice that it was broken. Let's face it, the best way of knowing some one has broken their back is that they loose the ability to walk but as I was a wheelie already it was harder to spot. It was only when the pain had got so bad it was effecting my health that they scanned my back and discovered how knackered it was. All through the hell of the pain, through the fear of the surgery and the recovery period, where I was put on bed rest for six months, Diane was there for me totally. Not only did she nurse me, but she made it fun. I like (some might say have) to be independent, so she let do just enough to keep me happy while making sure I had everything I needed. She was a star, and I can never thank her enough.

 All through out our wedding day I was fighting to hold back tears. Tears of joy. She looked stunning. A highlight for me is as she was about to enter the room she let out one of her loud laughs, and my heart skipped a beat. Her laugh always does that to me, but this time it felt like it lasted for ages. But the whole day was fantastic. A wonderful ceremony, great reception and unforgettable wedding night (I will say no more). Our families all got on, and everyone still talks about our wedding day.

So, as our anniversary draws near, I am writing this to say thank you Diane. You are my everything, and I am so very happy. I am so looking forward to spending my life with you, working together to create the future you deserve. You amaze me every day. Your personality, your sense of fun, your huge brain (She's currently studying for a Physics degree! PHYSICS!!!!)... oh you're just great.

I was raised to believe that there is some one out there for everyone, and I now know that this is true. Luckily I found mine, and we are just like Piglet's in Piglet Clover! Yippee!

Thoughts of Chairman Mik

This weekend I paid another visit to the wonderful city of Derby. I had been invited to come up and speak at the launch of the new Speaker's Corner in the city square. It's a great idea. If you live in the area, get yourself down there and get your voice heard.

I took the opportunity to give the following speech about Embracing My Imperfections, a new social enterprise that plans to campaign to champion the idea that we are all beautiful. Here's the script of what I said, although I did wonder off a bit. The joys of speaking live huh?

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls my name is Mik Scarlet. I'm a broadcaster and journalist as well as a disability rights campaigner. I would like to thank the organisers of today for allowing me to talk to you at this the launch of Derby's Speaker's Corner. When I started thinking of what to talk to you all about many things came to mind. I firstly I felt that congratulating Derby on being amazingly accessible for disabled people might be a great topic. It really is a great place for those of us who have mobility issues, and demonstrates that if a place is made accessible then the lives of disabled people can be improved beyond imagination. Then I wondered if I could talk about the representation of disabled people in the media, or should I say that lack of it. Sure we've seen disabled people everywhere in the media during the Paralympics, but we were pretty invisible before and we seem to have disappeared again since.

But all of this may only be of interest to those of you who are listening that may have a disability or know someone who does. So instead I felt that this was a great opportunity to bring to your attention a fantastic social enterprise that is starting up here in your fair city.

I first met the very talented local photographer Rei Bennett last year, when I was writing an article for a magazine on her project Beauty Through Damage. The driving force behind this project is to show that beauty exists in everyone, and that illness, disability or difference can actually make someone more beautiful. The strength and drive that allows a person to get through an illness or have a happy and successful life with a disability or physical difference leads those people to actually be more beautiful on the inside, and this can shine out. Rei uses her photography to capture this beauty, and she does so very successfully.

Now not only is Rei a great artist, but she's a great person and I now count her as one of my closest friends. During another visit to your wonderful city, which I have fallen in love with I must tell you, Rei myself and group of other local talented people decided to take Rei's project further. We want everyone to appreciate that they are truly beautiful.

Everywhere we look there are images of perfection. On TV, in magazines, advertising, even in shop windows we see images of perfect people. But now we even find Photoshop computer software is being used to make already perfect people impossibly perfect, unachievably perfect.

Of course there is much discussion about how this effects us all and about what should be done about the growing issue of unachievable images of perfection. But surely perfection is a construct decided by the wider society, so shouldn't it be something that mirrors that society? Why are we so ready to accept the images we see around us? Well I would say it is a lack of confidence in ourselves. We don't feel that we are perfect so we put up with these images.

This is what Rei, myself and the rest of our group are trying to correct with our social enterprise. We want to everyone to feel that they are beautiful, that they are perfect. We believe that those elements that make us different, that make us stand out are exactly what makes us beautiful, makes us perfect. Whether it's the signs of age, our size or our imperfections, which can be small... or big - like my wheelchair, they show our journey through life and our experiences. This why we have called our group Embracing My Imperfections. That's what we want everyone to do, feel happy with the things about them different, special. In the true meaning of the word. To see their imperfections as the very things that make them special and beautiful, and to be at one with the way they look. Which will lead to everyone being much happier, and so be even more beautiful as that happiness will shine out of them. 

 

Now all of this may sound great, but how are we planning do anything? Well we plan to campaign for better representation in the media, so that all areas of the media but especially the advertising and fashion industries mirror the wider world, to work with school and colleges to give our young people the tools to know that they are all special, important and beautiful, and to take our message of learning to love ourselves our to the country and then the world. We hope to get all of you here today to join us by adding your voices to our campaign. Together we can create a world that sees the validity in all of us, that allows us all to feel happy in our own skin and ensures that our children grow up to feel that they are all beautiful.

It's time for all of us to stop putting up with the Tyranny of Perfection, to know that there is Beauty Through Damage and to allow everyone to begin Embracing My Imperfections."

So there you go. I'll keep you all posted on the progress of EMI (which means beauty in Japanese apparently). We are still getting everything together, but are hoping to get the ball rolling early 2013.

I love this photo by the way. Very "power to the people". Appeals to the rebel in me. Watch out politicians... next step Mik for MP... and then PM!

The Old "Makes You Stronger" Line?

Sorry for not finding the time to put my thoughts out there into the internet recently. I have been so stupidly busy that time was something I didn't have. Of course I will not complain as busy means financially viable, and in today's world that is amazing. But yesterday I took an afternoon out of my hectic schedule to attend a meditation class for people who suffer from chronic pain.

I have made no secret of the fact that pain is part of my world, whether it's the back ground pain of my spinal injury and the nerves trapped in the surrounding scar tissue, the various bone issues I have thanks to the decrease in density that goes with not using your legs, the ageing process that is hitting home in my shoulders or the neuralgia that strikes every now and again. It is the neuralgia that made me want to find a different coping mechanism, other than the usual pain medication. When it hits, the pain makes me a little crazy and can get too much to cope with. Pain killers won't touch it so I thought I would search for another method of coping, and found a system called Mindfullness. I won't explain it to you, mainly as I have only one session and am still trying to learn the method.

Instead, I wanted to explore my feelings on pain. I can't mention any of the other people on my course but hearing their stories made me realise that pain is all relative. Some had obviously serious health issues that caused pain, other had conditions that led to pain that was unbearable for them but less than others. But everyone there was trying the class as they had reached a point where their pain had got too much. So whatever that cause or level of pain each member was going through, we were all in a similar place. Pain is like that. All relative. There is no level at which you can't cope, as everyone has a different ability to handle pain. And there is no right way of coping either.

While we were discussing our stories one person stated that they hated the Nietzschean idea that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as chronic pain is something that doesn't kill you and doesn't make you stronger. That funny thing is that I have always felt my pain does exactly that, makes you stronger. But maybe that is just the effect of my method of learning to cope with it. Treating it as an external force that needs to be beaten. I am the boss of my body, so it cannot be allowed to dictate to me how I live. It might be a typical masculine way of coping, but it does mean I have learned to beat a high level of day to day pain.

During our session we did a "mental body scan", which involved meditating on our bodies and exploring them with our minds. This was a very unpleasant experience for me, as I had forgotten how many places on my body hurt. A great deal of my pain had become part of my background day to day life and I had stopped noticing it. So this exploration of body opened me up to a pain I had learned to cope with, and led me to spend the rest of the day in great discomfort... and I still am today. But it proved that you can learn to cope with pain and that ability does make you stronger. It also showed me that the reason why some of my pain still gets to me is that this that it is the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak.

The thing that stuck me is that pain is something that is invisible but that can eat away at your day to day life. With the current obsession with getting people off sickness and incapacity benefits, those people who suffer chronic pain are among those most effected. Yet they really are entitled to support and assistance. While I may be able to cope with most of my pain, I have had it since birth. Even I have days where it effects me so much I can't work, especially the "going off to work in an office or factory" type of work, so those who develop pain during their life cannot be expected to be able to carry on with a "normal" life. They need help to cope with the pain and support while they do.

So if you have pain in your life, don't worry. You can learn to cope, and you can rebuild your life. For the rest of you, when you next hear all the rubbish the government is spouting about getting people off benefit remember that some people need and deserve those benefits. But more than that, remember that illness or disability could strike you tomorrow, or even later today, and that's why the system exists. Make sure that if you ever need it, it still exists for you to call on.

Right, I'm off to relax and rebuild my coping strategies ready for another full day tomorrow. No rest for the self employed eh?